Dear Chase ~ An Open Letter to My Brother on his 25th Birthday

 

Dear Chase,

Twenty five years ago on this very day, you were born. I had been an only child up until this then. During that time, I would pray all the time for a sibling… I wanted a buddy of my own to have in this world and share life with.  I wanted someone who would have the same Mom and Dad as me and be raised similarly… I simply just wanted to have someone on “my team” in life.  Our parents had been trying for a few years, but worried that they might not be able to have another child until... 

I was so excited.  This was finally happening; I didn’t have to grow up alone as the only “kid” in this family.  I was ecstatic.  You were born and life was great.  It was so fun having a baby in the house, helping you to take your first steps, hearing you say your first words.  You would often get yourself in trouble under my watch…eating plants, chewing on bug repellent packets… We had to keep poison control on speed dial… You were an adventurous child with a loving spirit. 

As the years went on, I entered my teenage years.  I was busy with friends, and active with school activities. I remember physically pushing you out of my room more times than I’d like to remember. You always wanted to be involved with what all the “big kids” were doing.  Often, you would run errands around town with me and we’d blare music and go cruising….I’d drive real fast over speed bumps so you would fly up in the air and laugh and laugh.  Despite our ten year age difference we always remained close.  You are the one person in the entire world that shares my same genetic mix and was raised the same way I was, by the same loving parents. 

The years continued to pass, and I moved away for college.  You would still come up from time to time to stay with me at the dorms, walk the campus, and experience college life.   You began to develop a life of your own… Becoming very active with school activities, elected Student Body President at the same school that I had held the title at ten years prior.  We were pretty similar and many ways.  

Although, there was a time when I started to realize a big difference between us.  It was around your senior year of high school.  You were going through a bit of a rebellious stage, partying harder than I ever did at that age. I remember you got in a bit of trouble by mom for your partying antics …I remember saying to you in an annoying big sister voice “Don’t you care about what other people think? Don’t you want to other people to know how well Mom and Dad raised you?”  I remember you at 18 years old firing back at me... "No, I don’t.  I know Mom and Dad are proud of me and that’s I all care about.  YOU care way too much about what people “think”."

Wow….nailed it.  Where did you get this “bad ass" attitude from anyways?  Certainly not from your "goody two shoes" people pleasing big sister. 

The years went on… full of highs and lows.  You were now a sophomore in college, I was 31 years old.  One day in February of 2011, you came over to hang out for the day to get out of your dorm and work on homework.  Justin was off shooting a wedding. You and I spent the day together... ran a few errands, grabbed some lunch, and just kind of hung out. 

Later that night, in true “big sister” form I started in on bugging you about relationships/dating. I was a little nervous to ask, because at this point you had become more private and seemed a bit annoyed with this topic.  But being a big sister, that’s what I do. 

And that was the night; sitting at my kitchen table, in my tiny apartment…..you told me that you are gay. 

Those words forever changed me as a person.

I remember early on looking at photos of you from past times and thinking to myself, wait...  you were gay then?  Oh, and that time too?  It just didn’t make sense to me.  Wait “I have a gay brother? Me?”  That was something I saw on cheesy lifetime movies... That was “other peoples’ family's”…not mine.  “How could I have a gay brother?”  You’re the only human on this earth with similar genetic makeup, raised by the same people and you’re GAY?  How is this possible?

I went through many phases following this conversation….shock, disbelief, anger, grief, acceptance, hope and now, I can finally thankfully say peace.

But during that time... it was really really difficult.  I regret the selfishness I displayed to you at times.   As much I as loved and supported you, I was still struggling with how much this affected me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. 

I think the biggest thing I had to get past was realizing that being gay isn’t a choice, it’s who you are.  I had thought prior to you “telling me” that I already thought this way.  I had had gay friends previously… but I guess I hadn’t really thought much about it because it hadn’t affected me directly.  All of a sudden I was the sister of a gay sibling.  Was I supposed to be one of those people you saw on TV? Marching in the parades with the t shirt on that said “ I love my gay brother?”.

My reaction to you “coming out” at first was fairly good (as it was an out of body experience, and I was in a state of shock)…but as the days, weeks, and months went on….I’m certain there were times when I said all the wrong things to you, and for that I’m incredibly sorry.  Every emotion I had was always coming from a foundation of love.

I had to process this…but ultimately when it came down to it…My fear was about what other people would think... of you, of mom and dad, and of myself.  That was my real struggle.  I was happy that you were so confident, so secure, and knew that you wanted to be yourself and live an authentically real life. 

What would people think when they found out my brother was gay? What about our parents?  That thought weighed heavily on my heart as you didn’t tell them for another nine months after you told me.  I felt like the rest of the world wasn’t going to love you “enough” and until Mom and Dad were aware I had to protect you and love you enough for all of us.  It wasn’t necessarily a healthy way of thinking…but it's how I felt.  I called you all the time, asking you questions…more and more questions.  Every time you answered, sometimes our conversations were filled with tears, sometimes laughs... And a few times even included anger and yelling. 

I became ultra sensitive to life, the world, and the media.  It was as if I was just waiting for someone to say one derogative comment and I feared that I would completely lash out at them.  I became incredibly angry inside at times as I was processing this. Anger wasn’t a familiar feeling to me… it was weird.  But it stemmed from how much I love you. 

I told each of my best friends individually and “in person.”  With each individual conversation I had, I entered into a different phase of acceptance.  And as I began to pull off the layers and let my loved ones in, I soon realized… They were like “Umm Jennifer…it’s not really a big deal, we love Chase.  In fact, this news makes us love him even more.”

You see, that was my biggest struggle worrying about what everyone else would think. But why?  Well mainly because, at the time, it was illegal for gay people to get married.  It was against the law!?  That was the message that the world had been sending, that’s what was causing me so much fear. There I sat, as a Wedding Planner… starting my own business. And it was against the law for you, my brother to get married?  That didn’t make any sense to me.  I even thought about quitting the business.  It just didn’t seem fair. How is it “okay” for me to be married to the person I love but not you? 

Over the next four years I could sense that changes were happening.  My eyes were open and I saw that most Americans believed in love and supported love.  It was also clear to me that there were those that didn’t. Those comments or “likes” on social media jumped out to me like red flags and often times hurt my heart.  I took it as a personal attack, even though these people didn’t even realize how much they were hurting my feelings.  But I know that most everything in life that is unsupported is rooted by “fear”.  So overtime, I learned to let things roll off me a little easier. This was their loss, not mine and definitely not yours.

Then on June 26^th of 2015 the Supreme Court ruled that “all states must allow same sex marriages, nationwide.”   I remember tears falling from my face, I had forgotten how deeply rooted this affected me.  I texted you right away.  Life seemed “fair” and I couldn’t be happier. 

Chase, today on your 25^th Birthday, I wanted to publicly thank you.  Thank you for having the courage to be you.  You, little brother, are an incredible person with ridiculous amounts of talent, charisma, and smarts.  You have already done, and I’m certain you will continue to do, great things.  I can’t wait to see your future unfold. 

Chase, your courage has changed and inspired me.  I now care lots “less” about what people think of me, and that’s all because of you.  Thank you, you’ve encouraged me to live my life more authentically.

Please know how much your life is impacting others in a positive way.  Keep being you, you have so much to give to world and I’ll forever be your biggest cheerleader. 

Happy Birthday Stinkerbell, I love you. Thank you for always being on “my team” in life. 

 

Love,

Your Proud Sis